| Is it worth it... |
[Jan. 29th, 2004|04:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
*Toxic Parents (Susan Forward)...$3.50
*Codependent No More (Melody Beattie)...$3.50
*Learning to Love Yourself (Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse)...$3.50
*Understanding the Borderline Mother (Christine Ann Lawson)...$28.00
*Realizing how truly fucked up you are...priceless
Does it really pay to discover??? |
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| when you come back bring a new name for everything... |
[Jan. 16th, 2004|01:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
well, much to my delight my marriage is on the road to recovery. jim came home and apologized for the way things have been over the course of the last month. he said he was ashamed of himself for his behavior and that he wasn't being a good husband to me. he told me that he is still in love with me and he has been the whole time. he was just so angry and he wanted very much not to love me. he made this discovery after requesting a divorce and not feeling any relief. all this came to pass on monday of this week and since then he has been around the house and we have been talking. unfortunately, he became very ill on tuesday and was bed-ridden for two days so all the time was spent helping to make him well again. now, we are conversing and actually having fun in one another's company. the plan is to continue marital therapy to open the lines of communication and find out what went wrong and how we can prevent it from happening again. i am also going to continue my individual therapy. i have a lot of homework to do but i'm up for the task. i have a fresh outlook and realize that things are not as dismal as they once appeared. much work is to be done before we get too far ahead ourselves but at this moment i feel such a sense of relief. although the situation was atrocious, it was necessary for the future of our partnership. if it didn't happen now, it would've happened eventually and perhaps it would not have been salvageable. i find myself at a crossroads of sorts and wait with eager anticipation for what is yet to come... |
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| you've reached the winter of my discontent... |
[Jan. 10th, 2004|01:30 pm] |
so...
i started therapy, both marital and individual. i figured that i needed to start working on some shit that i haven't dealt with from my past that affects my relationships in the present. guess what? I HAVE NO SELF LOVE!!! well, at least that's what my counselor says. i guess she's right. she gave me a lot of homework to help my self-affection. jim agreed to go to therapy with me. i don't know his motivations, but at least it's some sort of effort. perhaps it's not hopeless after all. but i'm damn well not going to get my hopes up too high. my mom is coming to visit me tomorrow. you know, she has made so much of an effort since this whole ordeal has taken place. curious. i don't really feel like getting into anything right now. so i suppose this entry is to let everyone know that i'm still kicking.
until next time... |
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| the tyranny of framing my perception... |
[Dec. 31st, 2003|09:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | enjoy the silence ::depeche mode:: | ] |
well, it's time to ring another new year. what will i be doing? hanging out watching dick clark wither before my eyes with all those fantastic psych patients! i'm not complaining really. the alternative would be me sitting around trying to keep a bright outlook on a dismal situation. my husband came back from pennsylvania today and left again within two hours. band stuff, you know how that goes. anyway, today was one of surprises. i talked to a person that used to be an old friend that disappeared off the face of the earth only to return again with an abundance of apologies. now that is a story that will open some old wounds, so for now we are going to leave that one buried. on happier times, i went out to eat with friends and had a few laughs. to my shock, my dear friend nevin called from korea to wish me happy new year and give me some nevinly advice. ::shucks:: it was wonderful talking with him. he has this way of making me feel better by just speaking. we talked about me coming to visit him some time in the nearer distant future. it would rock to get the fuck out of dodge for awhile. i still feel like crying sometimes, but i'll keep looking to A and have my sights on B. after all, in less than two hours it will be a whole new fresh year with endless possibilities. in the mean time, i shall search for a device for clitoral stimulation. any suggestions? : ) |
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| the whisper of your arrival... |
[Dec. 20th, 2003|07:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
this has been an interesting day, to say the least. after not seeing him for over seven days...tada...he walks in the door at 4:00 this morning just a few minutes after i get home from work early. talk about shock factor. mariah left for a week to visit family. i'm afraid i'm going to be all by myself, especially if jim decides to play disappearing act again. anyway, we exchanged presents with mariah before she left and afterwards we sat in silence. finally, i summoned my clit power and i started asking him questions and believe it or not, he answered! we talked for like three hours and now i feel confused but relaxed. it's strange. i know things weren't solved and we can't pretend like the whole thing didn't happen, but it's a start. we took a nap (separate of course) and he made dinner. it felt good to have him home. surprisingly, he hugged me goodbye before he left again. i don't know what to make of all of it but i do know that i need to buckle down and decide what is right for me and analyze all the problems jim tells me i have and see what is genuine and what i can improve. who knows, perhaps this ordeal will make me stronger and more appreciative of what i have. but damn do i hate looking inside myself. it's an ugly and scary place. |
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| the beginning... |
[Dec. 16th, 2003|04:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | humming of the computers and the clicking of keys | ] |
well, i have just set up my journal in the hopes that it will aide me in releasing all that is pent up inside. amy and krisite walked me through the steps. they are fabulous individuals let me tell you. they welcomed me to stay with them in the middle of the night while i'm going through this whole ordeal. they stayed up late and talked with me about everything. it was wonderful to just sit around like the old days and vent with buds about anything. i can't imagine what i would do if i didn't have such great friends. who know, the ones that put up with all your shit and still love you for who you are? sometimes i don't think i deserve friends like that, seeing how i normally don't keep in as good of touch as i would like. but through it all they seem to still amaze me. i had a great couple of days in old funchester where i had the opportunity to unplug and unwind. in reflection, my life seems to be out of control and nothing i do seems to bring it back into focus. i sit and wonder what the days will bring ahead. i know that times of woe are not past and i must stand tall and trudge on, but my outlook is bleak. we will see what the future holds. for now, i am going to enjoy my time with friends. |
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